To be separated from your group, your tribe, to be cast off alone and afraid
would one ever recover from that experience?
Could one?
Surely, you would be forever altered. Feeling always out of place.
Feeling always misunderstood.
Oh god, I am so tired so tired I can't think or write or get up from this chair
I feel like I need to sleep for about 3 weeks.

I can barely recognize myself
when I look in the mirror.
I don't know who I am looking at.
It certainly isn't the me of the 80's
or the 90's
That girl looked much more put together than the me I see today.
When you no longer know who you are
where does that leave you?
at the precipice
at the brink
at the edge
but what is the next step
do you jump
collapse cave in  giveup
or do you crack open
shed this skin
become new again.
decide

i can't form complete thoughts
fragments are the best I can do
unfinished sentences
words hanging in the air
there is a line in the Zepplin song Kashmir
"like thoughts inside a dream"
that is what my thoughts feel like
I am not unhappy
I am not happy
I accept that my life is what it is, but I don't know why I feel so undone.
I need my OWN life
I feel as if I have never had a life of my own. one that I was comfortable in, at least not for very long ***expand on thought***\
I only desire to sleep
That is my escape
sleep is my peace.
I know I am carrying around a great deal of anger and resentment that I need to recognize and work through. It exhausts me. Wears me down. My thoughts so repetitive and unhelpful.
What the hell does that even mean???
What the hell does any of this crazy-ass bull shit even mean..............
I am full of shit.....and I need to change this sooner rather than later.

The reason I write the way I do
is because it reflects
the way my thoughts feel inside my head
short
sharp
fast
unpredictable
constantly changing
hard to capture whole
i am often hearing music in my head
as opposed to my thinking voice
The odd thing is that
I don't enjoy listening to music
not that often
it intrudes on the melody of my thoughts

The thing is
I don't really know who I am
The thing is
I don't think I have ever been
who I am
The thing is
sometimes I wish it was all over
The thing is
sometimes I am afraid it will end
The thing is
I am apathetic
The thing is
I care so much my heart burns
The thing is
That my thoughts are the thing
the Thing
The thing that has eaten my life

It is becoming increasingly more difficult to battle off

my almost daily desire

like BURNING desire

to QUIT MY JOB!!!!

And I don't even understand why

not completely

I feel like I am bubbling up on the inside

like a simmering stew

a simmering stew boils in a very different way than a broth

a boiling broth is obvious , 

(*the difference between seething angry people

and yelling angry people, both angry, but manifested differently*)

you can observe it bubbling and dancing across the top of the water

simmering stew rolls up slowly from the bottom

in slow sinuous "plops"

it can go unnoticed  

that is until it can no longer be ignored.

Anyway,

thats what i've been feeling like.

my thoughts are hard to capture this evening.

Rambling and unfinished

Swirling and boiling

that is how I feel

what  I don't know what to do about.

the swirling and boiling

the feeling of leaping from my seat and running as fast as I can

(or as fast as I used to be able to run)

but I don't know where

where am I running, what is this sensation of wanting to burst out of my skin

peel it off Peel it the FUCK off

i want to feel new again this one is done

it's time to move on

THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE

THAT IT IS TIME TO MOVE THE FUCK ON.......

next thing.

figure out to where :) 

no problem.

be right back

funny..

*use somewhere else*

Nothing Imparticular

I'm not going in to work today. I have some tummy issues and I don't want to spread them around. Or deal with our limited bathroom situation.
I wasn't planning on this so I have nothing to do.
I guess I'll just wait for this to pass.
And watch t.v.
How exciting. :)

Today

I always think that I can't type on a laptop
I'm right, I can't
Not very well anyway.
But I'm going to try.
I was s o A n G r Y today at work
I really have a problem with authority
I have to check myself.
I shouldn't take my frustrations with myself
out on my co-workers or anyone
I don't want to have responsibility
but I don't like it when I don't have it!!!
What a dilemma
So, a great deal of my angst lately is that I am resisting the authority of the new boss lady even tho I like her I also don't want her to treat me like I'm just any old employee~~~ now that's the truth bout me. I fully expect to be treated like a queen.
Wow, that hurts
it hurts because I want it and it hurts because I can't recognize it when I have it
and it hurts because the truth is I want it and I won't admit it
((That was the thing I loved about Paul
He treated me like a queen
And sadly,
so so sadly
it was also the thing I hated about Paul
He treated me like a queen.))
Mildy depressing to admit
but also a bit liberating
I really can't lie to myself any longer
My pain and suffering
(much of which I brought on myself)
is not free entry into ANYTHING
That's enough for now.

"I created this on the website that you suggested. You all should try it. It is fun and insightful. I like mine. :-)

It is my purpose to express kindness and empathy to others through my insight and intelligence. To share my wisdom and experience by extending patience and being supportive to those in need of my time and compassion. To see obstacles as stepping stones rather than walls and to share my story with those that come to me for guidance. To advance in my workplace, maintain my health and well being and to develop closer relationships. I fully expect to have obtained at least $100,000.00 by 12/10/2011."


***I have no idea what this is???
Did I write this?
It's weird.

I worry a lot about dying.
Or maybe worry is wrong
I THINK about death
a lot of the time
what it means
why we fear it so
what happens when we are dead
I know what happens to the living
They grieve, they suffer, they cry
but the dead?
What do they do
What do they become
I think about the very first person that ever died
there has to be the first one
what did people think
were they afraid
Someone is there and then -a gasp, a shudder and they're still THERE but NOT
No light no movement .... nothing
So mysterious that must have been.

Wednesday November 6, 2019

I was thinking that 30 years ago I was a very fucked up girl.
It's amazing to think that we are parts of the same person.
I remember that girl, her pain, her confusion, her exhaustion
but always dosed with a little bit of hope
it could get better
it might get better
IT HAS TO GET BETTER......
And it has
gotten better
Just when you are ready to give up
hanging by your fingernails
Just when you are ready to scream
because:
NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!
tap your heals together
blink twice, make a wish
lay sobbing on the floor
Dry your tears, pull yourself up
Look around
AND,,,,,,,,
Everything has changed.
Yeah, like it's that easy! HA.HA.

It is hard to imagine that I am 62 years old.
It sounds odd.
I don't understand where the time went.
I don't understand where I went.
Or everyone else.
So many missing
lost to the depths of despair, submerged in sadness
letting go floating away
so suddenly all of the time
without warning
Here.....now gone
I am so removed from the me that I was
I feel like it is another person when I think of her
And I think of her often
Trying hard to understand how
She is who I evolved from
The way I became the me that I am now.