To be separated from your group, your tribe, to be cast off alone and afraid
would one ever recover from that experience?
Could one?
Surely, you would be forever altered. Feeling always out of place.
Feeling always misunderstood.
Oh god, I am so tired so tired I can't think or write or get up from this chair
I feel like I need to sleep for about 3 weeks.

I can barely recognize myself
when I look in the mirror.
I don't know who I am looking at.
It certainly isn't the me of the 80's
or the 90's
That girl looked much more put together than the me I see today.
When you no longer know who you are
where does that leave you?
at the precipice
at the brink
at the edge
but what is the next step
do you jump
collapse cave in  giveup
or do you crack open
shed this skin
become new again.
decide

i can't form complete thoughts
fragments are the best I can do
unfinished sentences
words hanging in the air
there is a line in the Zepplin song Kashmir
"like thoughts inside a dream"
that is what my thoughts feel like
I am not unhappy
I am not happy
I accept that my life is what it is, but I don't know why I feel so undone.
I need my OWN life
I feel as if I have never had a life of my own. one that I was comfortable in, at least not for very long ***expand on thought***\
I only desire to sleep
That is my escape
sleep is my peace.
I know I am carrying around a great deal of anger and resentment that I need to recognize and work through. It exhausts me. Wears me down. My thoughts so repetitive and unhelpful.
What the hell does that even mean???
What the hell does any of this crazy-ass bull shit even mean..............
I am full of shit.....and I need to change this sooner rather than later.

The reason I write the way I do
is because it reflects
the way my thoughts feel inside my head
short
sharp
fast
unpredictable
constantly changing
hard to capture whole
i am often hearing music in my head
as opposed to my thinking voice
The odd thing is that
I don't enjoy listening to music
not that often
it intrudes on the melody of my thoughts

The thing is
I don't really know who I am
The thing is
I don't think I have ever been
who I am
The thing is
sometimes I wish it was all over
The thing is
sometimes I am afraid it will end
The thing is
I am apathetic
The thing is
I care so much my heart burns
The thing is
That my thoughts are the thing
the Thing
The thing that has eaten my life

It is becoming increasingly more difficult to battle off

my almost daily desire

like BURNING desire

to QUIT MY JOB!!!!

And I don't even understand why

not completely

I feel like I am bubbling up on the inside

like a simmering stew

a simmering stew boils in a very different way than a broth

a boiling broth is obvious , 

(*the difference between seething angry people

and yelling angry people, both angry, but manifested differently*)

you can observe it bubbling and dancing across the top of the water

simmering stew rolls up slowly from the bottom

in slow sinuous "plops"

it can go unnoticed  

that is until it can no longer be ignored.

Anyway,

thats what i've been feeling like.

my thoughts are hard to capture this evening.

Rambling and unfinished

Swirling and boiling

that is how I feel

what  I don't know what to do about.

the swirling and boiling

the feeling of leaping from my seat and running as fast as I can

(or as fast as I used to be able to run)

but I don't know where

where am I running, what is this sensation of wanting to burst out of my skin

peel it off Peel it the FUCK off

i want to feel new again this one is done

it's time to move on

THAT'S WHAT I FEEL LIKE

THAT IT IS TIME TO MOVE THE FUCK ON.......

next thing.

figure out to where :) 

no problem.

be right back

funny..

*use somewhere else*

Nothing Imparticular

I'm not going in to work today. I have some tummy issues and I don't want to spread them around. Or deal with our limited bathroom situation.
I wasn't planning on this so I have nothing to do.
I guess I'll just wait for this to pass.
And watch t.v.
How exciting. :)

Today

I always think that I can't type on a laptop
I'm right, I can't
Not very well anyway.
But I'm going to try.
I was s o A n G r Y today at work
I really have a problem with authority
I have to check myself.
I shouldn't take my frustrations with myself
out on my co-workers or anyone
I don't want to have responsibility
but I don't like it when I don't have it!!!
What a dilemma
So, a great deal of my angst lately is that I am resisting the authority of the new boss lady even tho I like her I also don't want her to treat me like I'm just any old employee~~~ now that's the truth bout me. I fully expect to be treated like a queen.
Wow, that hurts
it hurts because I want it and it hurts because I can't recognize it when I have it
and it hurts because the truth is I want it and I won't admit it
((That was the thing I loved about Paul
He treated me like a queen
And sadly,
so so sadly
it was also the thing I hated about Paul
He treated me like a queen.))
Mildy depressing to admit
but also a bit liberating
I really can't lie to myself any longer
My pain and suffering
(much of which I brought on myself)
is not free entry into ANYTHING
That's enough for now.