A Story I wrote

Opening Doors:

A Story Of Moving Forward

By

Christiane Mell

July 10, 2011

“When one door or happiness closes another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  -Helen Keller

It was similar to being shaken awaken from a deep sleep, the feeling that overcame me when I read the above passage. I had just come into the house after a sun bath and meditation that I had been treating myself to during my vacation last summer.  I had turned to my Facebook page and was confronted with that passage, unable to read further, I continued to stare at this passage when I realized I had been focusing my attention on a door that had closed over 5 years ago. That door was not going to reopen; I did not even want it to.  And yet, my vision had become so fixed upon that closed door that I had become incapable of seeing any other door.  And this led me to the question of:  “What would the next chapter of my life be about, what was I going to do next?”  My future beckoned to me in a way that it had not in the months and years prior to this particular moment.  I knew that an epiphany had taken place. It was time to take action.

In the five years prior to this event, I had been struggling along, after a divorce that had left me in a less than prepared state of advancement.  I had a job which kept the bills paid, although not much more than that.  I had a 16 year old son, and raising my son had been my only focus for the past 16 years. I had made a promise when my son was born to put my energy into being the best mother that I could be and I had fulfilled that promise: I had raised a fine son;  kind, intelligent, compassionate, a young man looking forward to a bright and successful future.  Next year will be his senior year of high school. The day was soon approaching when he would not need me in quite the same manner as he has in the years preceding.

Something that I had always wanted to do was get a formal education. I had also always found a myriad of reasons why this was something I could not do. My litany went something like this:  “I’m too old, I’m too busy, my son needs me, I don’t have time, I’m not smart enough, I don’t have the money…” and on and on it went.  My excuses had been repeated for so long, I wasn’t even conscious of them anymore; they were simply a whirring sound, like a white noise machine, drowning out other sounds that might awaken me from their hypnotic quality.  The day that I read that passage, that whirring noise suddenly stopped. My mind was quiet.  I quickly filled out an information form for DeVry University and sent the inquiry before I could change my mind.  Before day’s end my phone rang displaying  DeVry University on my caller ID.  I didn’t answer. The noise had started up again, “whir, whir, whir, too old, too busy, my son needs me, I don’t have time, I’m not smart enough…” on and on it whirred and buzzed.  The phone rang again. Again, I didn’t answer. “Can’t afford it, not smart enough, too old, not time, buzz, buzz, buzz…”  The next day the phone rang, and before I could think I answered the phone: the voice of an admissions advisor from DeVry. The one thing she said to me that I couldn’t forget was this “If you don’t do this, what are you going to do?”  I stepped forward.  I opened the door. 

At any point in this process, I could have stopped; I could have allowed my fear to overtake me. I could have switched that noise machine back on.  What I did instead was continue to move. I didn’t let my thoughts take over, I turned off the tape. I filled out paperwork. I pushed through the terror that overcame me more than once.  Before I knew what had happened, I was a 50 year old woman about to embark on the pursuit of an Associate’s Degree in Accounting. I had done it.

So here I am, 10 months and 8 classes later, still moving forward through that doorway.  Over these past months there have been many times when I was overwhelmed; times when I questioned my sanity and my ability to make a sound decision. There are days when I wonder if I am crazy.  I wonder why I am doing this, what do I hope to accomplish? To be honest, I don’t always have an answer. I focus my attention on the task at hand.  Often, as I sit at my desk fatigue and frustration beginning to get the better of me, I look up at my bulletin board and see the Helen Keller passage written carefully on a note card, next to that note card is a letter dated 4/26/2011, which just happens to be my son’s 17^th birthday, the letter begins: “Dear Student, Congratulations! You have made the DeVry University Dean’s List for the Fall 2010 term…” I am filled with a combination of joy, pride and excitement.  I renew my resolve, I pat myself on the back, and I promise myself that I will continue opening the many doors that I am sure will be in my future.