When I woke up this morning I was thinking about judgement, release of attachment to results, and how this was almost the end of my vacation. I was thinking about judgement because I believe it is probably one of the most insidious and damaging concepts that we carry around with us. Practically everything is a judgement of some kind. Against and about ourselves or against and about everyone else. I have very bad experience with judgement. I would love to say I am non-judgemental but that would just be a bold faced lie. What I can say is that I am improving in the release of my judgements and am moving more towards acceptance. Years ago I was in AA. The best thing I learned in AA was the Serenity Prayer. Accept the things I cannot change. It has taken me many years, (not to understand, because intellectually I know what it means,) the difficult part is applying the principle to my life. I judge. Judging is not accepting. Change the things I can. Guess who I can change.....hmmm. Not too hard is it. Only Chris. Only myself. Only me. Guess what I can change.......hmmmm. My perception. That is about all. So I like to think that I am getting closer to the Wisdom to know the difference. But my God, what a struggle I have usually created for myself. And knowing that I am returning to work on Monday is why I was thinking about these concepts when I woke up. For the last 10 days I have been blissfully happy. I stayed up late, woke up late, did meditation daily, interacted with like minded folks, ate when I was hungry and rested when I was tired. That ends Monday. At least the schedule part of it ends. What doesn't need to end is my blissful state. What doesn't need to end is my attitude. But I am afraid. Because I have some trouble in this area. And that is why I am contemplating judgement and attachment and acceptance. I have difficulty maintaining my equilibrium around others. I worry way too much about what everyone is thinking of me. I worry about being judged because I am a judger. So perhaps if I release this I will no longer be concerned with others thoughts about me. They probably aren't even thinking about me anyway. That is my EGO. (Something else I learned a lot about in the AA Program. But that is for another day.) This is what I need to remember: At no time is anyone keeping me from being who I am, no one is keeping me from having what I want, NO ONE has that power---that is my delusion, my easy out, always has been. It is where 99% of my suppressed anger stems from. It is never someone not understanding me or not agreeing with me that is the problem The problem is ME ALLOWING what I percieve as other peoples judgement of me to separate me from me. I am offended by their doubt because that doubt, that questioning makes me doubt and question myself. That doubt is really MY DOUBT, my insecurity. If I were connected and confident with who I AM, with MY TRUTH, MY SOURCE, MY CHRIS-NESS, at no time would I feel pain or anger or fear when faced with the opinions of other people. Everything that causes me discomfort in my interactions with my peers is Always about me Not about them, my perception of myself is skewed. And if someone IS unnecessarily unkind to me I need to remember that that is about THEM not about me. So, I feel that I am finally in a place where I can line up with my own ability to create and produce my own relief. Instead of being nervous and apprehensive about returning to work I will be excited and joyous in seeing my co-workers and meeting my day to day tasks with optimism and grace. I will remember this:
My answers are always with me, my solutions are within, I create my bliss, my serenity and my joy, I simply must be still and listen and accept. Blessings :)
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